Happiness is ever-changing

Sometimes at night, I like to lay on my floor, in the dark and listen to the fan flowing...for hours. I like to think about where I have been and how far I have come, how much I feel I have matured over a very short 3.5 years. I feel in my past posts I have been raw and emotional, but I never got to tell the entire story.   I think I am at a place where I want to open those gates. I want mothers and fathers who are receiving a new diagnosis to know they aren't alone. I want them to know their feelings are valid and they are okay. I want them to know that they have not received a death sentence. They have received an opportunity not placed upon many. An opportunity to understand what true, unconditional love feels like. An opportunity to experience miracles, an opportunity to teach and to learn and an opportunity to make this world a better place.

It's funny how easily you can outgrow the way you imagined your life would be. In the beginning, it sure as hell doesn't feel that way and to be honest, parenting has been the hardest thing I have ever done. But let me start at the beginning, so you can understand the ways in which this little life has changed me. 

December 21, 2014, Casey's birthday. Five years ago, wow, time goes by so quickly. It was this day that I found out I was pregnant. After trying for years, I was actually pregnant. We were both so very excited. We made Samantha a "I am a big sister" shirt and paraded her around as you can imagine we would. I was only a few weeks along at the time of a planned trip to Colorado for a snow vacation. We went, I was careful. I made sure to rest a lot and I didn't participate in too many activities. I knew how hard it was to help this life begin, I did not want to screw it up. 

A few days after we return, we had our first ultrasound. January 21, 2015. I will never, ever forget this day. The tech was silent. She searched and searched and said no words. I knew something was  not right. She left the room, still having said nothing and I started shaking. We were finally brought into a room where the doctor tells me I have a blighted ovum. Basically a sac with nothing in it. We drew blood to check my levels to be sure and turns out, they were right. Devastation is not even the right word I can use to describe my feelings. It broke me. The worst part was instead of inducing a miscarriage to get it over with, I had to wait for it to spontaneously happen. This was a true nightmare. 

Two weeks later, it happened. Without detail, one of the worst experiences of my life. It was the beginning of a deep, deep depression and a hole that I am only now, finally digging myself out of. Life continues. I try to work, but I can't focus. Medication upon medication is given to me to suppress my worry and self hatred. I was becoming so physically sick that weight was falling off of me. In the span of 3 months I had a miscarriage, my aunt and my grandfather passed away and my sister gave birth to my beautiful niece. It was quite the ride.

Summertime rolls around and I start a new anxiety medication. I feel it saved my life. I started feeling like me again. I was happier, calmer, lighter. Casey and I decide to take a nice, weeklong vacation in August for our anniversary. It was just what I needed to lift my spirits. I knew everything was going to be okay. 

September 3, 2015, I go in for a doctor visit for a follow up to my new medication. We go ahead and do a physical. Guess what?

There is a little pumpkin in my belly.

To be continued.........