Trying to let the light in

The last few weeks have been difficult for me. It’s hard to have an identity anymore when your life is engulfed with needs as high as Carters. 

I fell back in the damn hole and I’m digging myself out again. Or trying to. Having to constantly fight for things my son needs is exhausting and really unfair. I never realized it wouldn’t be as easy as saying, hey, my sons throat burns like hell when he burps. So much so that he screams and chokes. And this happens every single day, multiple times a day. Can we get some shit to help him? 

If you are wondering the answer is no. It’s always no. So I fight. And appeal. And fight more. Until finally something is approved. Then they tell me my copay is 70 bucks.  Our healthcare system is junk. Junky junk junk. 

Anywho, tomorrow is Carter’s Chromosome Array. Crappy Humana finally approved it, but as stated in their letter, that doesn’t mean they cover any of the cost.

I’m scared and excited. Like usual. I want an answer. I need one. I feel like my life depends on it. None of this makes sense to me, so an answer of any kind will help. 

Carter’s delay is growing larger. He doesn’t really pick up any new skills so it’s hard to teach him anything. Honestly, it’s like we don’t exist much of the time. He doesn’t look at you when you speak, so the teaching is few and far between. We keep trying, though. 

We also recently saw a chiropractor to help with reflux. We have been twice, but no improvements. He recommended us to see an osteopath, so that is scheduled for June. I don’t have faith in much, so if it works then great. If it doesn’t, well at least we tried. I’m not pessimistic, just a realist. I got hyped up real bad in the beginning and nothing worked, so I keep my expectations severely low. 

I am scheduled to see a counselor soon to help me deal with Carter’s issues. I thought I could handle it all on my own, sprinkled with some anxiety meds, but it’s not cutting it. My thoughts are dark and they are deep and I need to be healthy for my husband and my son.