Thantophobia

Or in other words, scared to lose someone you love. I’m sure most people suffer from this phobia. What’s the name of the phobia for someone who is not scared? That would make more sense to name that particular phobia than this one. 

I realized I am living my life scared. So scared to lose my child. The feeling of not knowing what’s wrong, if it’s progressive or if it’s nothing, envelopes me every time I wake up in the morning and squeezes me tight all day until I fall asleep at night. Then I have dreams all about Carter. He talks and walks and holds my hand and plays, all these things he can’t do.  

It’s like a living nightmare. 

On one hand, my blood is boiling in my veins with anger, frustration and rage. I am angry that he can’t catch up. I can’t be around children anymore. I feel this rage when they do normal things that Carter cannot do. It hurts my soul to be around them. I wish more people understood this. 

On the other hand, my blood flows with this everlasting love for my son. I am fearful to love him as much as I do because I don’t want to be hurt if I can’t keep him. But I can’t help loving him until my insides hurt. He makes me unbearably happy and sad at the same time. I wish more people understood this, as well. 

I am going to try to talk to a professional soon. This has really started to affect me, especially since we made the geneticist appointment. It almost feels official, like officially, there is a problem here. 

What I really need to do is help myself. I can’t be the best mom for Carter if I am not well taken care of and happy. He needs me. And I need him.