I'll eat you up, I love you so

Little man’s birthday is coming up and what better theme than “Where the wild things are.” He is my wild one. 

In the midst of all the planning and hanging out, dude has been enjoying a ton of therapy. Too much, it feels like sometimes. 

We still aren’t any closer to answers, as the genetic/chromosome/metabolic testing has all come back clear. So we sit and wait and play at therapy 4 days a week. I feel like super mom. 

Early steps has been coming to our home and they sent a letter today that man is eligible for an autism screening. I KNEW this was coming and I’m not really surprised, but to see the damn word on a piece of paper in front of me sends me into a state of numbness. 

Autism? On top of everything else? Can something, anything work out for my man? 

It makes me sad to watch him struggle. He wants to do so much, but his little body and mind just won’t let him. And I get to sit here and watch and “hope” he gets better. And blame myself. 

Was it the addition of folic acid to my diet during pregnancy? I was taking it to help his brain develop… Was it the stress I was under the 8 months I carried him? Losing a baby only months before had me terrified of losing him… A myriad of things goes through my mind every single day. 

I live in a state of wonder. Always wondering what I could have done differently for him. I hate living in this state. It doesn’t feel fair. 

How to stay strong? That will be my next google search.