I try to sleep, but rest won't come

I’m patiently awaiting Carter’s chromosome test results, and my first counseling appointment. Neither can get here soon enough. 

I’m tired tonight. Body tired. My mind is running freely even though I’ve tried to quiet it down. 

All the “what-ifs” that I can easily throw on the back burner during the day, dance back out into the open space of my mind. The open space I’ve been trying to quiet. 

Social media makes it worse. Friends having babies make it worse. Friends with kids make it worse. Kids make it worse. I’ve tried my best to act happy, be happy, but I’m at home in my bed. Alone. The one place I don’t have to pretend. I can let tears flow and let my heart ache. 

It aches for so very much. It aches to know a future, a meaningful future, with my son. I feel like a failure. I feel like I let Carter down. He’s not ok, and I can’t figure out what went wrong or how to help him. 

I feel like I let Casey down. This may very well be his only child and he prayed for a son. A son to play ball with. A son to hunt and fish with. What if Carter can do none of those things? Will Casey be satisfied if he can’t? 

I also feel like I let my family down. Carter is the only grandchild they have close to them, they also wanted a little boy. He isn’t learning and growing like he should be and I feel terrible that my parents don’t get the satisfaction of a child that engages or returns their love. 

What if he never engages? If all the therapy is essentially doing nothing? What if he never knows me or how much I love him? What if. So many what ifs. 

Tonight is hard. I’m sure I’ll bounce back and this will happen again and again. 

I just want to sleep.