Calm before the storm

Our first visit with genetics is this Thursday and I can’t sleep. I don’t know if these two things are intertwined, but I can’t help but believe it. 

I know I could go and run tests and receive no answer. I also know I could go and run tests and leave with one. I don’t know what I want. I feel so selfish wanting to know in terms of it being something I did. Something I passed on unknowingly. 

I guess I mainly want to know so his care and treatment fit the diagnosis, not random therapy to treat a symptom. I want the very best for Carter. I don’t feel like I do enough for him. I feel like I should be doing a lot more. 

I got a chance to chat on Sunday with two women who have gone through/are going through this same journey. Our children are all different, but have similar qualities. It was so nice being able to chat with people who understood me. No explaining these medical terms. No pouty sorry faces. Just a lot of humor and understanding. I enjoyed the hell out of it. 

I guess I’ll try and sleep now. Mountains will start moving at 7:00 when little man decides to wake. And I better be ready.